Baby on the Brain

My whole life I wanted 3 kids, not 4 not 2, 3.  When I was pregnant with Ella I told people that if she was a boy I would 100% try for a third because I loved the idea of having boy, boy, girl.  Obviously I know I can’t control these things, hence, out popped our baby girl :)

I remember after having her that I never had that *feeing* that our family was complete.  Even through the beginning months of her crying & screaming for hours each night, in my head, I know I wanted another.  Then as she started getting older, becoming more engaging and fun and I started waffling with the idea, thinking that maybe we are just perfect the way we are? One Mommy, one Daddy, one boy, one girl.  The perfect family of 4.  Each parent gets a kid, traveling seemed like it would be easier, I could see life pretty nicely with just us 4, but then the next day, that would all go out the window and I would want another baby, someone to make us not so perfect.  I loved the idea of my kids having another sibling.  I grew up with 1 sibling, a sister 4 years older than me.  We weren’t that close growing up from what I remember (I’m sure there were years when we got along great) but when your sister is 16 and you are 12, she does NOT want you around, he he.   

The hubs and I have been discussing baby #3 since Ella was very young, we want all our kids close in age (if God would allow it) and I would rather have another sooner than later so we can start enjoying life with all of our kids.  Not that you can’t enjoy life with a newborn, but it’s just different when everyone is walking, talking, and old enough to actually do activities and create memories. 

A huge major factor when I start thinking my decision is no on #3 is the fact that I have already had 2 c-sections.  I know the risk gets higher with each one and I have been scared to death each time with mine.  The first time it was the unknown, the 2^nd was fear of something happening to me and leaving 2 kids behind.  This is my fear again if we have another, I will then have 3 kids and the thought of something happening to me leaves me panic stricken.  I know chances are I would be completely fine however; it’s the crazy in me that obsesses over the bad.  The hubby is also worried about another c-section as he has seen first hand what they are like.  He jokes about getting a surrogate, but I know if we had the money, he wouldn’t be joking.

And then there’s that whole middle child syndrome, I know this is really only a problem if the parents favor one kid over another, but I do worry a little that Ella would get lost in the mix if we brought another one on board. 

Of course money raises a possible issue, but really, I don't focus on this too much.  I have never been one to think you need money to be happy, but I know it does help.  When I think of 3 in sports/activities, 3 going to college, 3 getting married, it gets me thinking "can we really do that?"  But I tell myself no one can predict the future, if I obsess over things I cannot really control at this moment then I could be missing out. 

But then I think about our future, and in the picture I paint, I see another child there, playing with us, going on vacations with us, making us that much crazier but bringing so much joy to our lives.  Completing our family.  And the next day, I am completely torn again. And this is the vicious cycle that has taken over my brain for the past several months.  I wish there was a sign, something to make me just *know* either way.  Sometimes I think you never truly know until you do it – and if we decide to stop at 2, I think a part of me will never really have that completed family feeling. 

Anyone have any thoughts on having #3 or 3 c-sections? I would love to hear!