Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Pregnancy Loss Day - Getting Personal

I never knew that October 15th had meaning other than just another day, that is, until 2 years ago when I got to live through first hand of losing a baby.


We were so excited to get pregnant for baby #2, we always wanted our kids close in age and at that time Brayden was 13 months so they would have been 22 months apart, we thought that was perfect.  What was even better was that we didn't even really have to go through the pressures of "trying" for #2, we just decided to not prevent it, and bam, one month in we got our positive result! I can admit that when we first found out I did think to myself "are we crazy?" Brayden was at a tough age when I got pregnant and the first couple of months were definitely a little stressful.  But I kept telling myself that by the time May got here I would be totally ready for this addition.

I remember going to the dr for a monthly check up, I was 11 weeks (and already showing!!), they tried to listen to the heartbeat with the doppler and although we couldn't hear it, the nurse did say she was picking it up and everything was good.  We decided that we would now share the news since we thought we were out of the *safe zone* 

About a week later I was at work when I felt a little blood down there - I went to the bathroom and it was confirmed, bright red blood, but only a little.  I called the dr right away and the nurse just asked if I was active over the weekend or if I had done the boom boom - since I said yes to those things (I know, TMI) she told me it was probably nothing but to call back if it got worse. 

Later that night I remember being at the mall and feeling more blood come out.  I instantly knew this was not normal anymore and immediately thought the worst. Since it was already really late I decided to go home and see how it was in the morning.  I remember waking up and there was more blood.  I was shaking I was so scared at what was happening, yet I still somehow managed to get up and go to work (since I start way before the dr office opens) but once 9am hit I called the nurses and told them what was going on and they had me come in right away - they tried to listen to the heartbeat again but couldn't find it.  Now this is where I get a little annoyed with my dr's office - they did not have an ultrasound tech in yet so they sent me to a lab to get bloodwork done and told me to come back at night to get an ultrasound.  I had to go all day wondering and guessing if this was it, if I was really losing my baby.  My dr's office is connected to the hospital, so why I couldn't just go to L&D to get an u/s done was beside me.  I chose to not get too upset though since I was already freaking out.

I guess in a way it was a blessing that I didn't get the u/s done during the day because the hubby wouldn't have been there. We went to my appt that night - the ultrasound tech was very nice, but very blunt and to the point - she said "I'm sorry, but there is no heartbeat, and no baby" She didn't sugarcoat which I was fine with, I mean, it was what it was, but that didn't stop me from breaking down uncontrollably in her room.  We were moved to another room to wait for the dr.  He was very nice and just explained how this was nothing we did and there was probably something wrong which is why the pregnancy couldn't continue.  As if hearing this news wasn't bad enough, the dr then informed me that I would have to have a D&C the next morning.  I honestly had never heard of a D&C or at least didn't pay any attention to it if I ever did hear about it. Hearing that I had to have a surgical procedure done the next morning, and be put out (for the first time ever) had me freaking out.  I just found out I lost my baby at 12 weeks and now I had to deal with the anxieties of being put out.  I am sure being put out is not a big deal to most, but to me, it was terrifying. 

The next morning the hubby and I went to the hospital and I just cried and cried in the waiting room until they called me back.  That literally felt like the longest day ever.  My hubby was my rock though this and I am so grateful he was there to support me, and I was there to support him as well.  He was very upset over everything (obviously) but he put on a brave face for me and I am so thankful for that.

I now know how common miscarriages are, but that doesn't make them hurt any less. This was definitely something very hard for me to go through, but I try to remember that everything happens for a reason.

My miscarriage happened in October, so October will now always be a special month for me. 


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