Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Never-ending Mommy Guilt

I think all Moms have Mommy guilt– It just comes with the job.  I have had my fair share of Mommy guilt – leaving my kids everyday to go to work, yelling when I shouldn’t have, leaving them for work trips, forgetting bath time, the list can go on and on.  I know this is normal feeling and when other Mommy’s are having this guilt I make sure to let them know they are not alone and it’s not their fault, yet when it comes to my own Mommy guilt, I cannot take my own advice – isn’t this the case with everyone though?? (I’m hoping I’m not alone here!)

This post will focus on my guilt to stop breastfeeding Little Miss – well technically she never breastfed; I have pumped exclusively since the day she was born.  Since she was a preemie and stayed at the hospital for 3 weeks, actual nursing never worked for us.  I spent my entire maternity leave once she came home trying to get it to work, once I finally came to my senses and realized it just wasn’t in the cards for us, I decided to exclusively pump (another example of my mommy guilt!)

A couple of weeks ago I started noticing small amounts of blood in Ella’s stool – I called the dr and they said to call back if it continued…which it did.  The dr then told me to cut dairy out of my diet 100% thinking it could be she is lactose intolerant. We made an appt to go see him in a week.  I did the unthinkable and cut out dairy (I am obsessed with all things dairy!). The day before her appt I still noticed the blood in her stool so I took a picture so I could show the dr.  His thoughts are she may have a milk allergy and that even though I cut out dairy, small amounts could still be sneaking in. He recommended to put her on a hypoallergenic formula exclusively for a week and then to call back.  It has been a few days on this new formula and we haven’t seen any blood! Yay!! This formula is also suppose to help with colic.  Looking back she may have always been a little colicky – there were many nights where she would just cry and scream for long periods of time– I thought this was just normal cranky baby stuff and didn’t make a big deal out of it, not wanting to sound like a complainer – all babies cry and scream right? Here’s more Mommy guilt – if I would have brought her in for this screaming/crying months ago, we may have discovered this milk allergy sooner and my poor baby wouldn’t have been so uncomfortable this entire time. 

The hubs and I talked and we decided if this formula continues to work, we should just keep her on this 100% of the time.  It makes sense and all I want is her to be OK, but part of me feels like a failure that I can’t commit to completely cut dairy out 100% and continue to be the sole provider for my baby.  But I need to stop beating myself up – I did try and did cut out dairy what I thought was 100% and it just didn’t work.  I need to just be happy I was able to make it 5 months with pumping.

And so the Mommy Guilt continues and probably always will, but I have to do what is best for my daughter (and me).

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